Freedom

It's been a long time coming, but here we are.

I had intended to make a post on graduation day, but with all the yahooing and having a great time and being exquisitely happy and such...time got away from me. Then a whole week got away from me on Schoolies, but we wont go into that. Then time sort of buzzed around me aimlessly for the weeks since and my computer screen has the added inconvenience of the screen being smashed in BUT LIKE I SAID - here we are! (on Mum's computer!!)

As I read through my old blog posts where I lamented how depressingly horrid school is...I am now very proud to look back upon how depressingly horrid school was. Oh yes, take that - you filthy son of a no-good yellow belly, I just referred to you in past tense.
And do you want to know how liberating that is?? You cannot begin to imagine.

Although lately I seem to be suffering from post-schoolies depression (as it would appear they call it). For a week I partied and drank and cut Rob's hair and wrote erotic fiction. I guess it didn't really occur to me that I had leaped into a giant pool of uncertainty. As soon as I spent my first day back in the real world something stirred inside me.
Something gruesome.

A feeling that clouds my chest and induces instant absent-mindedness. Fear, worthlessness and general wtf poisons my veins. A Jetstar quality sleeping mask of useless and anti-purpose was slung around my eyes, partially blocking some light of lucidity out (not all of it though, those masks are so shit). I don't know why that's in past tense to be honest - I still have no idea whats going on.

Or what I'm going to do with all this freedom.
What? I can go and create the life of my dreams? Really? I never have to do anything I don't want to again? Well of course I'll do jury duty and abide by the law. But, do you honestly mean, the rest is up to me?

You see, this is the part where I freak out. Where do I start?? My gosh, I don't believe in plans. Only crazy ideas. What on earth am I going to do? Buddha? Oprah? A little help please?

And then there's the added hysteria of some crap called an "OP".
Your "Overall Position"
What a funny name for it! Overall position. It implies it not only judges how well you did in your school subjects compared to everyone else and you QCS BUT your intelligence, you as a person and well everything because it's your overall position.
If you got a 1 congratulations because you must be really smart and always do your washing on time and answer every question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire right and never forget to feed your fish, you're the kind of person who will always be best man or maid of honour at a wedding because your overall position is numero uno. Bravo.
What did I get, you ask? Fucked if I know. I decided I'm not going to find out. I mean, I never really asked QSA "On a scale of 1 to 25...how awesome am I?" so why should I care that they weighed me up anyway?
I'm not afraid of it being bad or even good (although my mother, desperate to find out actually knows what I got and said it was better than my prediction) but still, that's not the point. Everyone missed the point. They all want to know. I simply say: It's kinda like the Smiths. They broke up, yeah? One of the greatest bands ever ever. If they hadn't broken up they'd be like U2 and be smearing shit all over the walls of dignity and would upset me, lots. The same would happen if they got back together. Quote Morrisey: "I would rather eat my own testicles than re-form The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian"
You said it boy. "We are not friends, we don't see each other. Why on earth would we be on a stage together?"
Perfect.
"It was a fantastic journey, and then it ended."

That's how I feel, except replace the Smiths breaking up with me leaving school. Its the same ideal. Its over. I'm just not going there. It's up to me to find my own value, my own "overall position". I never gave a fuck what other people thought of me as a person, especially those who don't know me. Why would I start now?

I'm gonna live my life. I tell you what, it's going to be great. As soon as I figure out what I want to do. And so long as I keep feeling fascination and entertaining my crazy ideas. But it's great regardless..why?? Schools out, suckers!