This was school full of kids with such a plethora of problems there seemed to be a new issue for every episode, and some that carried on throughout the series (like AIDS and cancer...and teenage motherhood!). Now from these poor kids us privileged kids can learn lessons the easy way...by either watching Degrassi High or by reading this here blog (yeah, this one!).
Lesson Number 1 - DO NOT HAVE SEX
During the whole Degrassi series (excluding next gen) I would say about 3 couples had sex, once, each! Studies show that all three girls who engaged in such dirty acts got pregnant. All to assholes/acid-trippers/randoms they sorta knew. So yes ladies, ALL men are impregnators so no sex - you WILL get pregnant. Then you will have to decide if you want an abortion, which 2 girls did. Alternatively you could have the child and be the single mother of a girl who will one day grow old and become the star of yet another spin-off that you can still star in (yes, YOU!).
So boys, keep in your pants. I know you're horny but you're not that horny are you? Bad question, I'll rephrase that. You don't want kids right now do you?? Yeah. Stick with socks until your older.
EDIT I just remembered another person who had sex. See lesson 3.
Lesson Number 2 - Interracial Relationships Don't Work For Some Reason
Now Degrassi sure loved the good old chocolate&vanilla...almost as much as they loved tearing them apart. So Exhibit A: Michelle (the white chick) - has a racist father, yet has been going out with BLT (the cool black guy who raps in the halls, NOT a sandwich) - the token black dude who for some reason carries a basketball alllll the time. Now he and Michelle went out for like ever, getting past Michelle's mile-long list of annoying problems and her crazy fit when she was doped up on No Doze. Inexplicably, we come back next summer and apparently BLT has been going out with Cindy (the black chick) - a frizzy haired bitch who wears pastel Lycra pants all the damn time and steals Michelle's BLT and her friends. Why did BLT leave Michelle for Cindy? Because Cindy was the less controversial option, I suppose. Btw Michelle totally got back at BLT, she chucked milk on him when he was wearing a singlet. You could see the milk real good.
Exhibit B: Lucy (the black chick) - totally over-involved in EVERYTHING, do-gooder, possibly had anorexia once but is really smart and pretty and likes making shit films. You think because she was the hottest chick at Degrassi High she could get any guy she wants...you'd be wrong. She has a few one-episode flings with white guys like Clutch and some other guy who I can't remember the name of but apparently he's "booked to the year 2000" if you know what I mean. ANYWAY the only relationship she had that lasted right up until she was left blinded and paralyzed in Schools OOT was Bronco. Bronco was the nerdy black guy that was pretty much the male Lucy, and he totally didn't mind the fact she was a loud-mouthed bitch.
SO yeah, if you want to be lucky in love, be racist!
Lesson Three - Don't Be Big Fat Bully
-because you'll get AIDs. Or at least HIV. And because no one knows too much about it (because it is the 80's after all) everyone is going to hate you and ostracize you and fear you. Not in the like "awww shit hope he doesn't steal my lunch money/body slam me" kinda way, or even the "Dayummm he's like so fat and ugly" kinda way, more like "FUCK HE'S CONTAGIOUS!!" kinda way. Yeah you don't want that. Totally do not dob on that kid that took bets so he could buy a car and is walking through the quad with nothing but a hat - it'll come back to you, asshole! Karma is a bitch, so be nice.
Lesson Four - Your Boyfriend Is NOT A Humanitarian Just Because He Has A Ponytail
He's actually a total pussy. He probably pretends to care about shit for the image. He'll win you over by talking weird and dressing weird and probably liking foreign films of the political slant. You can waste time giving out fliers and going to rallies or you can take my advice. Find something you actually believe in and pursue it yourself, because if you go to some "Canadian Bomb Factory" to vandalise the walls you'll get caught and he'll run away and refuse to go to court with you because he's a pussy. He's a fake, just dump him and totally don't read that note he leaves you after he blows his brains out in the boys toilets because no one likes his gay poems, because he's going to blame you for it. Yeah, nasty stuff. Steer clear of guys with ponytails!!
Lesson Five - The Annoying Fat Girl Will Get Her Licence Before You
You and your friends will all turn 16 and get real excited about learning to drive. You'll be less excited when that fat chick no one really likes rocks up to your class and acts like a total know it all bitch. While she somehow can drive perfectly (provided she can fit in the car) you on the other hand will go on cardboard-people massacres every time you put the key in the ignition. No biggie, you'll get there one day. Unfortunately before that day comes you'll have to deal with a fat bitch like Nancy driving to school in that red convertible her parents bought for her. Yeah Nancy, having a cool car doesn't make you less fat, or annoying. You will get your licence some day so just chill and try not to roll her down a hill, okay?
Lesson Six - Dump Your Boyfriend Who Is Possibly The Coolest Guy Ever
So you're a teenage mum with some fucked up hair, and your short. Yeah, your short, like really short. Obviously all the guys are gonna be coming after ya, right? Well no actually, but a really cool guy called Patrick probably will. He's got an Irish accent so you assume he's Irish, he likes the Pogues (so do you, right?), likes the same punk shit you do, likes writing songs about you that don't totally suck, likes singing and playing guitar not shittishly, BUT most of all, he likes you. He's really sweet too. So dump him. Don't ask why, just do it. Even though your friends think it's really stupid that you're dumping this guy, do it anyway. Don't ask questions!
Lesson Seven - Do NOT Make A Feminist Horror Movie
It's going to suck no matter how you look at it, okay? Just don't, uh! You're class mates are just going to laugh at how shit it is, not at your cinematic masterpiece, okay? Jesus.
Lesson Eight - There IS A Cure For Cancer
and it's shitty 80's style v-logs. The ones you watch on the VCR and TV set because no one has computers yet, let alone webcams. So if you're lying in bed with Acute Leukemia and have a 70% chance of dying and look a bit shit in a wig, simply get your annoying friend who thinks she's a film goddess to make you some shit diary videos about her complaining about how much her life sucks. Her life totally does suck. She had no one ask her to the dance for goodness sake, so stop bitching about your Leukemia because soon enough you'll get better and go sailing around the world with your dad. Unfortunately however, that chick is still going to find a way to send you those stupid videos, so don't take a VCR. At least there is a cure for cancer!!
Lesson Nine - Don't Move Out Of Home
You will only end up with a shit job at a donutshop, living in a crap apartment with party animal tenants and you will never sleep or study again. You'll piss everyone off too you fucking nutcase. Oh and you'll eventually move in with your dad again. HA! FAIL!
Lesson Ten - Life Gets Progressively Shit-er
Imagine if you were given up for adoption because your real dad didn't give shit about you and then your adoptive parents die and you realise your dad hates you and you have to live with your granny who makes you put your plate in the sink? Then you'll have to move out and live with your best friend and steal his stuff and his mum's money and then you'll be on the streets for a bit and then your grandma will take you back but who gives a shit because soon you're going to be drink driving and will blind and paralyze another friend and kill some guy's 2-year old baby and spend your life in prison.
So chin-up!!
Thanks for reading! Hope you learned something valuable!
But at the end of Lucy's film her classmates stopped laughing and were on the edge of their seats?
ReplyDeleteEither way Degrassi is the best.